I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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