Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
