life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my phone needs a breathalizer
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
