This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
