and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
