the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
