3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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