somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
