Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
