was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize