Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
