We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
