it wasn't lemon gatorade
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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