she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
