I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
