Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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