I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
