omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
