this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
