After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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