so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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