i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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