I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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