I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize