if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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