My Higher Power is John Stamos
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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