omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize