Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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