First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
