I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
