I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize