honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
