mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
