Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
