this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
