I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
