I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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