i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
