she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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