From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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