i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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