I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
