every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
