I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize