His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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