what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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