I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
