just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
