If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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