I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
