i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
