My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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